Happiness
by pulseworking
Summary: Sara finds herself in a constant state of unhappiness, struggling with holding down relationships and her own self worth. Tegan tries to help, but ends up falling in love with her. Quincest: don't read if you don't like. This is my first story, so reviews and critique are welcome and appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

Sara stood at the bar and pounded back shot after shot, earning concerned looks from the bartender and Tegan, who was sitting next to her and casually sipping on a beer. Sara normally didn't drink this much, but tonight she felt as though she needed the extra boost. She had just broken up with her girlfriend, and although the split was necessary, she couldn't get the image of Stacy crying out of her mind.

Earlier that day, Stacy had sobbed and crumbled to the floor in heartbreak. Sara had never intended to cause someone she loved that much pain. Usually she eased into breakups and there were hints well before the actual split. She was skilled at doing this, gently coasting into an eventual divide. But with Stacy she couldn't wait any longer. There was no warning this time, she just had to end it. She knew she loved Stacy, but she also knew there was something missing in their relationship. There always was with Sara. She had the same issue with Emy. It was never quite enough.

"Sara, slow down. You're going to empty the place of their vodka!" Tegan joked, sending a sheepish look to the bartender.

Sara rolled her eyes drunkenly, feeling the stupor already set in her mind. She didn't really care how wasted she got tonight. Tomorrow was a Wednesday, which meant they were driving all day, from New York to Washington D.C. It also meant they weren't playing a show until Friday, so time was temporarily on hold for Sara. She had no responsibilities, and now she had nobody to come home to. Perhaps Sara would even have some casual sex in the near future. She had nobody to cheat on, nobody to hurt.

"Oh come on Tee, we're rock stars! We work hard, we deserve to play a little," Sara smirked.

She had intended for the rock star comment to be sarcastic, as she never really felt worthy of the success they had garnered. She never really felt worthy of anything, truth be told. No matter how many albums they sold, girls she got or people she charmed, she always felt so alone and so… utterly disappointed in herself. It was a constant state for Sara, one that she had come to accept over time but was still wounded by.

"Shut up Sara," Tegan quipped back, smiling wide and tilting her beer to her lips.

"I'm so druuuunk," Sara laughed, intending to tap Tegan on her shoulder but hitting the side of her left breast.

"I see that! Easy there Sailor," Tegan said, laughing and choosing to ignore the breast brush.

They were quiet for a few moments. Sara knew Tegan wanted to bring Stacy up, but she didn't want to cause her sister any grief and raise the balance on their tab as a result. So, they sat comfortably in each other's silence while the bar TV blared in the background. After one or two minutes, Sara heard a voice from behind them.

"Oh, my god. Are you Tegan and Sara?!"

"Oh fucking hell," Sara muttered quietly to herself, then turned around with a big fake grin on her face.

"Yeah, hello!" She said, and Tegan chuckled, knowing how much Sara really wasn't in the mood for this.

The girl standing before them was extremely good looking to Sara, though she was drunk so it was impossible to tell how accurate her meter was. She just saw a blur of curly hair and blue eyes peering at them through the dim bar light. She looked to be about 22. Sara's mood suddenly shifted from annoyed to flirtatious, though the transition was entirely unintentional on her part. She was just drunk and sad, and looking for temporary happiness at the very least. She smiled at the girl and fluffed up her own hair.

"I _love_ you guys," the girl said, and Sara laughed a little too hard.

"Oh yeah? What do you love about us?" She knew she was using her cutesy flirty voice, she heard herself but couldn't stop. She saw Tegan shoot her a quick glare in her peripheral vision.

"Um, like, everything? Your music of course, but you're both hilarious too. I've seen you live at least three times with my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend?" Sara asked, playing with her hair again.

"Yeah, sort of. Well, we're on a break right now," the girl said.

"Ah, lucky me then!" Sara drunkenly slurred. Both Tegan's and the girl's jaws dropped simultaneously.

"Sara, stop, you're scaring the poor girl," Tegan said in a light-hearted tone, but Sara could hear the warning in her voice.

"Are you scared?" Sara asked the girl, giving her a reassuring smile and leaning forward.

"I-I'm a little… surprised? But no, not scared," the girl laughed and Sara knew she could take her home and fuck her right now if she wanted.

"I'm not very scary, but you're intimidatingly beautiful," Sara told her, with an intentional lisp. The girls always thought that was cute, and this girl was proving to be no different judging by the look on her face.

"Oh fuck, Sara we gotta go. I just remembered that we have that, um, press thing tomorrow," Tegan exclaimed desperately, clinging onto the elbow of Sara's leather jacket.

"No, we don't," Sara said, not taking her eyes off of the wide-eyed girl.

"Yes, we do! You're just drunk and you have no fucking concept of reality right now." Tegan could feel herself getting annoyed and worried about the potential outcomes of this evening if she didn't intervene. She quickly told the bartender to close the tab, and she signed the receipt as fast as she could.

She grabbed Sara's jacket and pulled her towards the exit, leaving the shocked and turned on girl in the bar. Sara was tripping over her shoes and trying to maintain her balance. She was way too drunk to even walk without the support of her sister.

"Tegan, what the fuck! I was going to get laid tonight and you just have to fuck every fucking thing up in my life, as usual! Jesus!"

"Me fuck everything up? I'm just praying that girl doesn't go to the press with this! Do you realize what you could have just done for our image? We agreed never to do anything with fans!"

"I just want to have fun, Tegan! I'm so fucking sick of trying to make everyone happy. What about me? Can't I be happy?" Sara exclaimed, followed by a daunting realization that she had just revealed too much. She was well-versed in keeping all her mental issues fairly private, even from Tegan.

Tegan forced Sara to stop walking and took a deep breath. They stood there for a few seconds as Tegan decided what she wanted to say, in the nicest way possible.

"Sara, I wasn't going to say anything but now I have to. You had a great relationship with a beautiful girl who loved you. And you just ended it. No warning, nothing. She was always there for you, supportive of our touring lifestyle, and she was willing to eventually have a family with you. Stacy wanted to give you everything you've ever wanted, and you threw her away. As far as I'm concerned, you're the one to blame for your own unhappiness. Don't put the blame on me for what you've done."

Sara felt the ache build in her gut. She knew Tegan was right and that she had given up a good thing when she broke up with Stacy. She knew that Stacy loved her and they could have had a life together, but it wouldn't have made Sara happy. Nothing ever made Sara happy.

"Shut up, Tegan. You don't know anything."

Tegan shrugged and yanked her forward, as they walked in silence back to Sara's apartment.


	2. Chapter 2

When they arrived, Sara threw off her coat and began unbuttoning her pants drunkenly as soon as they walked through the door. Tegan watched in shock before her brain caught up.

"Sara, what the fuck, go to your room," She chuckled.

"No, it's okay. This is my apartment." Sara slurred.

"Yeah, but I'm here so…"

Sara began laughing in a maniacal way, unable to control herself. Something about the whole situation suddenly seemed hilarious to her, though she couldn't quite place why.

"Yes, here you are. My sister Tegan, everyone!" she exclaimed, gesturing to an imaginary audience on her living room couch. Silence followed.

"Sara, stop. You're being really weird tonight," Tegan said, trying to keep a straight face though she had a little smirk forming at the corner of her mouth.

"I just wanna take these fucking tight pants off," Sara grumbled, her mood shifting once again as she played with the unbuttoned clasp at the front.

"Then go to your room," Tegan repeated, nervously glancing at Sara's hand.

"Okay Tegan. I'll go to my room, but I'm coming right back. I'm coming back so we can be together," She said, and then her eyes widened. "We'll watch a movie!" She yelled, trying to save the moment and then dramatically turning around.

"Yep," she heard Tegan say as she let the walls be her guide to her bedroom.

When she arrived, she stripped off her clothes and momentarily allowed herself to fall naked onto her crisp, white bed sheets. She had intentionally washed them this afternoon, trying to get rid of Stacy's scent to decrease the upcoming sadness that she knew she would feel. Though she was relieved to be free from the relationship, the sensitivity within her personality still felt the emptiness on a very deep level. Sara curled up into the fetal position, as Tegan liked to say, and hummed drunkenly to herself for a few minutes. Singing was always very calming to Sara, which was probably why she had gotten into music in the first place. Tonight she really needed to be calm, to keep the impending anxiety at bay.

"Sara, what movie do you wanna watch?" Tegan yelled from the living room, and Sara laughed again. She still didn't know what was so funny, but perhaps it was a mere coping mechanism.

"Um, how about something with Molly Ringwald?" Sara yelled back, knowing that Tegan was always down for something from the 80's.

"I love me some Molly! Breakfast club? I'll cue it up, take your time though. You want popcorn?" Tegan asked.

"Yeah, go ahead and make some, I'll be right out!"

Sara was not sober. She was, in fact, far from sober. At the rate she was pounding back shots at the bar, she would be drunk well into tomorrow morning. Popcorn would soak up some of the alcohol, and then maybe she could get a hold of her constantly changing emotions which were quickly spiriling.

She quickly put on some boxer shorts and an old Tegan and Sara t-shirt from 2003, and stumbled out again to join Tegan in the living room. The luscious smell of popcorn hit her drunken nose and she immediately grinned, excited to eat and grunge out while watching one of her favorite films.

"Hey Tee," Sara smiled, waving at Tegan who was already sitting on the couch while the opening menu played in a loop.

"Hey Sasa, nice shirt," Tegan smiled back, letting her eyes wander up and down Sara's torso. She absent-mindedly tossed a piece of popcorn into her mouth.

"Thanks, let's watch this though, ok?" Sara said, plopping her body down next to Tegan and relaxing into the plush white cushions.

Tegan chuckled and hit play. The opening credits began to roll. Sara munched on the popcorn ferociously as she intently watched the film, which was serving as a good distraction from the trouble on her mind. Her hand kept diving into the bowl, even as she was in mid-chew from the last handful. About fifteen minutes into the movie, her hand accidentally brushed Tegan's. The combined static between their hands caused a shock to occur between them. Tegan recoiled and laughed.

"Hungry?" she asked Sara, grinning over at her. There was something undeniably cute about the way that Sara was shoveling food into her mouth. Plus, it was a huge relief to see Sara eating so much. She had lost a lot of weight recently due to her excessive coffee habit.

"Yeagh," Sara replied, but her 'yeah' got mushed by the popcorn in her mouth.

"Cutie," Tegan said, under her breath as she turned back to the film.

Sara giggled, and without thinking, put the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table in front of them and leaned into Tegan's shoulder. Tegan was surprised, but didn't mind the sudden closeness. She lifted her arm and allowed Sara to curl into her. They stayed like that until Tegan heard Sara breathing heavily beneath the crook of her arm, asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Note: This third chapter will be written from Tegan's perspective.**

As Sara slept curled underneath Tegan's arm, she watched the rest of the Breakfast Club and then flipped to Animal Planet so as not to wake her sister up. It was going on three in the morning, but they weren't leaving for Washington D.C. until one tomorrow so she didn't care about going to sleep soon. Tegan never watched Animal Planet, but the rest of the programming was either boring or religious, and she wasn't in the mood for either (though she and Sara often watched religious programming and laughed together). She was still in her jeans and sweater from earlier, and if Sara eventually stirred she planned to go change into something different, but she felt comfortable and warm for now.

She had been staying with Sara in her Manhattan apartment for three nights in a row now, while they played a few shows before continuing on their tour. Last night Sara had definitely seemed off, and Tegan knew her well enough to know that there was going to be some impending drama in the near future. Tegan had said a silent apology to Stacy, because she knew how Sara could be. Sara was the type to take out her own moods and peculiarities on the people closest to her, and she and Stacy had been dating for almost two years so Tegan knew she would become a target. Of course, Tegan hadn't anticipated a breakup, but Sara was often unpredictable and unreliable in relationships, as she had described (and sugar-coated) in their song 'Back In Your Head.'

Tegan was undoubtedly annoyed at Sara for ruining her relationship. She knew it was none of her business, and that she and Sara were two separate individuals fully capable of making their own decisions, but she liked Stacy. She liked Stacy and Sara together, and she was under the apparent illusion that Sara was happy with her. Still, she chose to ignore the issue except for one provoked comment earlier on the walk home from the bar. She knew Sara must be hurting right now, and she wanted to be as pleasant as possible in order to keep the night non-confrontational.

In the dim glow of the television, Tegan glanced down at Sara and found herself smiling. Sara looked adorable with her mouth hanging slightly open. Tegan had always felt a slight jealousy over Sara's jawline, which was seemingly chiseled into a work of art. She admittedly admired Sara's face, though it was similar to her own in many ways. But she had never thought they looked _that_ much alike, and often joked that they were fraternal twins rather than identical. Tegan always thought that Sara was the better looking one.

"Mmmm," Sara hummed in her sleep, slightly shifting positions and unconsciously allowing her head to fall directly over Tegan's crotch. Tegan felt her breath hitch, though she didn't really know why. This was her sister, and they'd always seen each other as twins and nothing more. Tonight though, the hum and the shift seemed, dare she say it, sexy to Tegan. She quickly shoved the random thought from her head and gently ran her hand through Sara's hair.

"Sara?" She said quietly, attempting to take advantage of Sara stirring in her sleep. She began to tug on Sara's ear when she neglected to reply.

"Mmmm?" Sara mumbled, her eyes squinting open as she looked up sleepily at Tegan.

"I'm gonna go get ready for bed. I'm still in my jeans and stuff" Tegan said sheepishly, feeling guilty for waking up her emotionally distressed sister.

"Ok, come back though," Sara muttered, and closed her eyes again.

This was weird to Tegan. Though they often stayed together, they usually didn't sleep in the same bed or couch. It wasn't that Tegan didn't want to, but Sara wasn't a big cuddle person and Tegan knew she would never go for it. Tegan hesitated and then gently lifted Sara's head up as she stood. She set Sara's head back down onto a throw pillow, tucked her into a blanket and then walked to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

When she returned, Sara had pushed the blanket off and her shirt was up over her belly button. Tegan allowed her glance to briefly linger before blinking back the image and instead focusing on how they were both going to fit onto the small couch. She chose to lay next to Sara, but face the other way so their lips weren't borderline touching. She pulled the blanket back over them, and ignored the heat of Sara's breath on her neck.

Tegan began drifting off, her hands tucked underneath her chin, when she felt a hand slip around her waist and Sara's breasts press into her. She felt a jolt and froze. This was so unlike Sara, who scoffed at even the mention of the word 'spoon'. Tegan didn't push Sara away though. She wanted to be there for her sister and provide whatever comfort she possibly could. She saw it as a job of sorts, protecting her little Sasa. She knew Sara wasn't the happiest person, and it pained her deep down in her chest, because Sara _deserved to be happy._ Sara was funny and sweet and she was always there for Tegan. So, Tegan let her body relax against Sara's and tried to sleep. But, her eyes jolted open at Sara's still intoxicated voice, soft and silky in the dark.

"You're intimidatingly beautiful," Sara whispered into Tegan's hair, repeating the words that she'd used at the bar with the random fan. Tegan hesitated, unsure.

"I bet you say that to all the girls," Tegan whispered back, feeling a mixture of panic and excitement run up and down her spine.

"But this time I'm serious, and those words were made for you anyway," Sara said quietly, and Tegan chose to remain silent and let the words marinate in her increasingly confused brain.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for the reviews! This story will probably be really long, because I tend to draw things out fairly slowly when I write. But don't worry, I'll try and update frequently. **

Tegan awoke in the morning with Sara still wrapped tightly around her own, their bodies tucked together like puzzle pieces. One of Sara's hands remained on Tegan's stomach while the other rested gently on her neck. She could feel Sara's breath tease the hairs behind her ears, softly ejecting hot air onto the skin there. Tegan glanced at the clock on the DVD player, and groaned internally. They had to leave in two hours, and neither of them had begun to pack.

She cringed as she eased from the couch, trying her best not to wake Sara, who would no doubt freak out at their current position. It was unlikely that Sara would remember anything from last night, or at least Tegan hoped that she'd forget, so she would be as pleasant as possible for their drive down to Washington D.C later that day.

As Tegan lifted Sara's arm from her torso, slid out from underneath it, and set it back down, she glanced at her sleeping sister on the couch. It appeared that she had managed to make it out without Sara waking, and she breathed a sigh of relief and softly began to walk to Sara's bathroom for a shower. She had made it halfway down the hall before a voice in the background stopped her in her tracks.

"What time is it?" She heard Sara rasp, and she stopped walking but didn't turn around.

"10:45, how do you feel?" She asked, knowing that Sara's hangover would probably be monstrous.

"Terrible. Could you be _a doll_ and get me some aspirin and water?" Sara said sarcastically, and Tegan rolled her eyes without looking at her sister and began heading for the kitchen.

"Don't roll your eyes Tee," Sara said softly, and Tegan looked up to see Sara staring directly at her.

Tegan melted at the tenderness, exhaustion, and vulnerability in Sara's face. She hurriedly grabbed a glass cup from the counter and filled it up with water. The image of Sara's skinny form, inebriated and stumbling back from the bar last night was still seared in Tegan's memory, and so was the revelation that Sara was actually quite unhappy as a person. She didn't even want to think about how Sara supposedly found her beautiful or the fact that they'd spooned all night, something that was Sara's idea and not hers. Last night was confounding to Tegan for many reasons, and she shoved them all into the back of her head for now. After handing Sara the glass, she went into the bathroom and grabbed Sara's bottle of aspirin, pouring two into her hand and then walking back out to the living room.

"Here," she said, thrusting the pills forward and into Sara's hand.

"Thanks sis," Sara replied, tossing back the aspirin and then chugging some water.

Tegan crossed her arms and watched Sara swallow the pills, waiting until she was finished before taking the glass back to the kitchen and setting it in the sink.

"I'm gonna pack and shower, the bus will be waiting outside at 12:50. You should get ready as well," Tegan told her, and then once again made her way to the bathroom.

She turned on the shower and waited for the water to get hot while stripping her clothes off. As she stepped into the water, she finally allowed herself to relax and reflect on the previous evening. It was in Tegan's nature to analyze people and events. She would carefully pick them apart for inspection, a quality that she and Sara shared both in life and their songwriting.

She was still rather confused as to why Sara had ended things with Stacy, when a mere three days ago Sara had seemed happy with her, holding hands as they walked together to the supermarket. Sara had made it seem like Stacy was the one. She'd even talked about starting a family in an interview, but now Stacy was gone and so was the possibility of a future with her.

Tegan thought of Sara's life as _her_ life in a strange way. They'd always been close, and she hated being in the dark when it came to Sara's strange and unpredictable decisions. That was part of the reason why she was so angry when Sara had moved to Montreal in their early twenties. She had neurotically imagined that she'd slowly slip from Sara's life, and that Sara would eventually have an entire world that didn't involve her.

Since Sara lived in her head so much, Tegan found that she was confused about her a lot. Sara wasn't the type to come out and say what was bothering her, which was an extremely unhealthy quality according to their therapist mother. With Sara, it was always a guessing game, and one that Tegan willingly fell for and played no matter the circumstance. This time would be no different, but they would be living in close bus quarters for the next month and Tegan planned to fully utilize their time together. Tegan would help Sara open up.

Feeling satisfied, Tegan reached down and switched off the shower, climbing out and grabbing the towel hanging on the door handle. She roughly tousled her hair with the towel and then ran it up and down her body, getting the water droplets. Slipping on a pair of black jeggings and a button up denim shirt, she wandered out into the hall and found Sara still passed out on the living room couch.

"Come on Sara, it's 11:20. Get up, get up!" Tegan said loudly, taking a throw pillow that had landed on the ground and throwing it at Sara's head.

"Okay, jesus!" Sara yelled, and threw back the blanket. She sat up quickly and then clutched her head in pain.

Tegan once again felt a pang of sympathy and swooped down next to Sara, sitting beside her. She put her arm around her sister and waited for the pain to subside. Sara put a hand on Tegan's knee and squeezed in agony. Tegan felt a shock run up and down her leg.

"Shouldn't have drank so much, eh Sara?" Tegan asked, chuckling at the jolt.

"Yeah, nobody should ever drink so much," Sara replied, and sat completely still.

"Alright, let's go pack. We're leaving really soon and neither of us have prepared," Tegan told her, and gently removed Sara's hand from her knee as she got up.

Tegan went into Sara's room, where her suitcase was, and started folding her clothes which haphazardly lay on top. She'd done laundry yesterday morning while Sara was apparently breaking Stacy's heart, so everything was clean.

Sara followed her into the room and began throwing things into her suitcase, not bothering to fold them. Tegan found this odd of Sara, who was usually such a neat freak. She chose to not say anything, knowing that the hangover was probably blinding Sara's ability to give a fuck, and zipped up her suitcase.

"I'll be waiting in the living room. Did you want some coffee?" Tegan asked, and Sara nodded while closing her eyes.

Tegan carefully made Sara's cup of coffee and poured it into her favorite to go cup, adding milk, just how Sara liked it. She then walked back into Sara's room and delivered the cup, but stopped at the doorway in shock. Sara was completely naked and standing in front of her closet.

Sara's long torso ended with two dimples on her lower back, and Tegan had trouble tearing her eyes away. Her legs were the perfect shape, bigger on top and then slender below her knees. Tegan was completely unsure of what to do. Should she make her presence known or go back to the living room without saying anything? She hesitated and looked at Sara's body once more, convincing herself that she was only doing so out of pure curiosity. They hadn't seen each other naked since they were children, so it was only natural to compare how their bodies had changed. Tegan was not blessed with those beautiful back dimples, and once again she felt a pang of jealousy over Sara's perfect form. She allowed herself to stare at them for a minute more, and then awkwardly turned around and made her way back to the living room, letting out a shaky breath.


	5. Chapter 5

For the month long East coast tour, Tegan, Sara and crew had to rent a tour bus because their usual one was still back in Vancouver. This new bus was extremely cramped, though each member of the band had their own bunk. Sara told Tegan to choose a bunk first, and then she quickly said she wanted the directly below Tegan's, which was a relief since Tegan wanted to keep an eye on her for the next month, given her emotionally unstable state. Sara spent the entire drive with her head in a book, and Tegan looked out the window while listening to overwhelmingly loud pop music.

When they arrived in Washington D.C., Sara suggested they go out and get some dinner and drinks. Though she had just drunk an insubordinate amount the previous night and was still feeling the effects, she was eager to drink again tonight. She was going to make the most of her newly single status and her subsequent freedom. Tegan didn't dare protest, and the boys didn't know about her trysts last night, so they set off to the closest bar and grill.

They all ordered a round of local beer and burgers, laughing about various tour memories they all shared. Some of the band members were fairly new, but they all felt comfortable around each other already given the intimate nature of touring. Tegan chugged her beer and ordered another one, Sara quickly following suit. By the next hour, they were both five beers deep while the guys were stuck on three. Tegan wasn't about to let Sara make an ass out of herself, if she was going down then Tegan was right there with her.

"What are you guys doing?" Ted asked, laughing at what had seemingly turned into a silent contest between the sisters.

"Just gettin' our tour party on Ted," Tegan answered, lifting her beer up and tapping it against his.

Given how small Tegan was, the five beers were starting to hit fairly hard and she wanted to stop soon. Sara apparently had no intention of doing so, raising her hand to signal their waitress, chugging the rest of her last beer. Tegan quickly reached up without thinking and slammed Sara's hand back onto the table.

"No, no more," she said, though the waitress had come over anyway. "Can we just get the check please?"

"Tegan's no fun," Sara told the guys, somewhat slurring and purposefully excluding Tegan from the conversation.

"One of us has to be a responsible adult," Tegan quipped back, feeling somewhat irritated. What had gotten into Sara? She'd seen many sides of her sister, but this one from the past few days was new.

The waitress brought the check and they decided to split it between the five of them. Tegan paid the tip, wanting to get out of there and back to her bunk as soon as possible. She was still tired from her fitful night on the couch with Sara. On the walk back, Sara engaged the guys in conversation, linking her arms with them and ignoring Tegan. Tegan didn't even bother asking what she had done wrong; she knew this was how Sara could get when she didn't get her way. Despite the fact that Sara was a sweetheart at the core, she was also rigidly stubborn by nature, especially when it came to Tegan.

When they got back, Tegan changed into her pajamas and climbed into her bunk, quietly telling everyone goodnight. They were all sitting in the kitchen playing scrabble, but she just wasn't in the mood and didn't want to ruin everyone's good time. She could hear Sara's loud laugh from behind her bunk curtain, yelling "score!" everytime she won a lot of points. She rolled her eyes and turned over, putting her pillow over her head. She was worried Sara's odd behavior, and she would even go so far as to say it was getting on her nerves. She didn't like unpredictable Sara, she liked gentle and kind Sara. She could almost see the proverbial ticking bomb in her head, waiting for the explosion where Sara would finally lose it.

At last, the group settled down around midnight, and said their goodnights to one another. Tegan was still awake and could hear the water running as someone brushed their teeth and prepared for bed. She listened intently to Sara and Ted, who were quietly having a conversation in the lounge area while waiting for their turns in the bathroom.

"So, what happened with Stacy?" Ted asked, and Sara coughed.

"Just wasn't really into her anymore, ya know? I was ready for something new," Sara said quickly, and Tegan felt nervous for Ted, who could sometimes be oblivious to Sara's moods even after all this time with them.

"Something new like what? I liked Stacy," Ted told her gently.

"Yeah, yeah. Everyone likes Stacy," Sara said, annoyed. "I don't know Ted, I guess I'd just like to have a real connection that lasts. They always just fade for me."

"Kind of like what Lindsey and Tegan have?" Ted asks, and Tegan smiled to herself.

"Yeah, Tegan and Lindsey, the fucking angelic power couple," Sara replied shortly, and Tegan's smile faded as she heard Sara's seat creak from the weight being lifted. "I'm tired; I'm going to lie down."

"Oh, ok," Ted said, confused.

Tegan listened as Sara yanked back her bunk curtain and dramatically threw her body onto the bedding. She genuinely seemed annoyed at the relationship that Tegan and Lindsey had, and Tegan chalked it up to jealousy over how well they got along. Sara and Lindsey were nice to each other, but only in a cordial way. Tegan knew better than to try and integrate the two, so she just let them be acquaintances rather than close friends. Sara never liked to get all that close to Tegan's girlfriends anyway, though Tegan was oblivious as to the reasons why. She, on the other hand, always made an effort with Sara's relationships. She was protective of Sara, and always made sure she got to know her girlfriends to make sure they were suitable.

"Tegan?" Sara asked quietly from below her sister. "You awake?"

Tegan hesitated. If she let Sara know she was awake, Sara would know that she had been eavesdropping on the conversation. She didn't want Sara to know that she'd heard her comment about Lindsey, she liked to pretend to be in the dark about Sara's apparent dislike of all of her girlfriends. She didn't want to stir up any unnecessary drama, especially when Lindsey was such a sweet person and didn't deserve it.

"Yeah," Tegan said, finally deciding to see what Sara wanted.

"Can I borrow your gray button up for the show on Friday?"

Tegan laughed. They never asked each other if they could swap clothes, they always just went for it.

"Yeah, why are you even asking?" she asked.

"I don't know, I guess I just wanted to make sure you weren't going to wear it," Sara replied gently, and then sniffled.

"What the fuck, are you crying?" Tegan asked, hopping up and hanging her head over the side, looking down at sara.

"No, no," Sara said, and then turned so she was facing the wall and away from Tegan.

"Ohh-kay." Tegan said before lifting her head back up and curling in a tight ball.

"Wanna try that coffee place down the street tomorrow morning?" Sara asked quietly.

"Yeah, wake me up when you wanna go, okay? Night Sasa," Tegan said, closing her eyes and pretending not to know that Sara was shedding tears just a few feet below.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning Tegan awoke to a gentle stroke on her arm. Her skin twitched as her eyes flew open, thinking an insect had found its way into her bunk, but instead she was met with Sara smiling down at her.

"I was having a great dream," Tegan complained in a mumble, closing her eyes again.

"You said you would try that coffee place out with me last night, remember?" Sara reminded her, continuing the stroking on her sister's skin.

"Isn't it still last night?" she asked, feigning annoyance. Sleep always made the time go by so fast.

"Technically it wasn't even when you said you would, but now it's actually 9:30," Sara replied, and Tegan mentally rolled her eyes and restrained herself from calling Sara a hypocrite.

She threw back her duvet and climbed out of bed, stumbling to the bathroom and sloppily spreading a glob of toothpaste on her toothbrush. She messily brushed her teeth as Sara watched from the doorway.

"I've been up since 8," she informed Tegan, for no reason.

"Oh," Tegan replied and spit into the sink, shyly shielding it from Sara.

"I'll just wait in the kitchen booth," Sara said, shrugging and walking off.

Tegan felt like a bulldozer had run over her, which was ironic considering she had done the least amount of partying between the two of them over the last few days. She took an aspirin from the counter and swallowed, before smoothing out her hair in the mirror and making sure she looked presentable. She wandered back into the bunk area and grabbed some pants, a t-shirt and a hoodie before going into the bathroom again to put them on. She evened out her clothes and then told Sara that she was ready.

"Alright, let's go," she told Sara, walking back out towards her sister, who was at the table eating an apple.

"Cool," Sara said, standing up and following Tegan out of the bus.

The weather in D.C. was windy and crisp. Tegan found herself wishing that she'd worn a jacket a scarf, perhaps both. Sara wasn't dressed adequately either, and Tegan quietly chuckled at how the two of them were always so awkwardly put together, or at least that was how it seemed to her. A group of children were playing in the park at the end of the street, and Tegan caught Sara staring at them as they playfully ran after each other.

"So, you and Lindsey are thinking of starting a family I hear," she asked quietly.

"We've talked about it, but she wants them more than me. I just want to make her happy, and if that means having a kid then so be it. Better than a pig," she said, trying to make light of a topic that normally caused her an extreme amount of anxiety. Lindsey often brought up the pig joke as well, when she could sense Tegan's tension over the topic and didn't want to push it.

Sara nodded and watched the kids play, intently. "I wouldn't mind having one someday," she told Tegan, who looked at Sara in shock.

"I always thought you were joking," she muttered. "Would you want them to be brunette or blonde?"

Sara rolled her eyes at Tegan, who always started firing questions at the mention of her having children.

"Brunette," she said, glancing at Tegan.

They walked the rest of the way in silence, crossing a busy street in the process. When they finally arrived at the coffee shop, Sara held the door open for Tegan, who smiled over her shoulder as she walked in. They found a seat by the window and Tegan got up to go get their drinks, already knowing that Sara would have a black coffee.

When she got back Sara was staring out the window, watching people walk by. She looked lost in thought, but then again that wasn't an unusual expression for Sara. She was always in some far off distant place. She herself was a being not quite of this universe, full of coffee, memories of books she'd read and an innate knowledge of herself and others that Tegan had envied since they were children.

Sara was the first to come out and had begun sleeping with girls at just fourteen. While Tegan was accepting cheap gifts and dates from boys, Sara was exploring her sexuality and seducing other girls into her bed. Tegan loved and hated Sara during those years. She was the eldest of the two, but found herself idolizing Sara in a curious way, watching as the girls giggled at Sara's cute remarks and geeky clothes. None of them lasted; Sara was able to decode practically anyone and would get bored of them as soon as she did. She was too smart, perhaps that was her problem even now.

"Hey, thanks for getting that Tee," Sara said, bringing the coffee up to her lips and jolting Tegan from her thoughts.

"Oh no problem, I know how you love your black coffee," Tegan replied.

"Did you finish the set list for our show on Friday?" Sara asked, and Tegan shook her head. "I thought you were going to do it on the trip here yesterday. Maybe we can work on it now, if you'd like."

Tegan agreed, and Sara pulled out a small notepad and pen from her bag.

"Okay, so obviously we're going to play the new songs off Heartthrob, did you have any others you wanted to add besides the fan favorites?" Sara asked, pen in hand.

"Well, Not Tonight always gets the crowd going and I like the little twist you added at the end with the Bruce Springsteen song." Tegan suggested, knowing that Sara enjoyed playing that it live.

"Mmm, yeah," Sara said, jotting it down before her lips turned up in a smirk. "You know what I wrote that one about don't you?"

Tegan hesitated. Of course she knew. She thought of it every time they played the song, which Sara wrote almost a decade ago. They never talked about it, but Sara sometimes brought it up in front of the audience. It almost felt like a game sometimes, just so Sara could see how uncomfortable she was able to make her sister. Tegan's face suddenly felt hot.

"I think you've mentioned it," she replied, staring at the milk mixing in her tea.

"It was that John Irving book "Hotel New Hampshire, about the relationship between the brother and the sister," Sara told her, not looking up from the pad but instead tracing and retracing a circle she'd doodled.

"Yeah, I remember now. Pretty good book," Tegan said, just to avoid the awkward silence, though she could feel her heart beating faster. The thought of Sara finding an incestuous relationship inspiring was something that threw Tegan right off the tracks.

"I found their relationship truly…" Sara hesitated, glancing up at Tegan and catching her eye, "…amorous."

Tegan quickly gulped her tea, burning the roof of her tongue in the process and coughing in pain.

"Do you need some water, _sis_?" Sara offered, chuckling, and then got up to get some from the counter before Tegan could reply.

The air felt oppressive around Tegan as she felt them teetering on the border of a conversation she'd never thought they'd have. Of course she'd always wondered what it was about that book Sara had found so utterly fascinating, but the thought of actually asking made her feel somewhat ill. Now she knew, in typical Sara bookworm terminology, that the relationship was "amorous" and therefore somehow inspirational enough to create art out of. Not only had Sara written Not Tonight about the novel, but she'd also penned two other songs supposedly illustrating the brother and sister relationship.

"Here, I put some ice in it too," Sara said, setting the clinking cup down in front of Tegan, who gratefully took a sip. "Sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you."

"You didn't," Tegan lied, really not wanting to open up any more opportunities for this conversation to persist.

"Did you get something caught in your throat then?" Sara smartly replied, and then smirked.

"Yep," Tegan muttered under her breath before steering the conversation back to its original path. "What songs do _you_ want to play, Sara?"

"I'm not sure," Sara said, coyly tracing over the doodle again, "Since I'm playing "Not Tonight", why don't you play one that you wrote about… siblings as well, eh?"

"I didn't write any about that," Tegan replied quickly, glancing around the coffee shop.

"Are you sure? What was City Girl about then?" Sara asked, still running the pen over that damn circle, threatening to tear a hole in the page.

"You want to play City Girl? We haven't played that for ages," Tegan said, pretending that the shortness with which she spoke was due to annoyance rather than a lack of breath in her lungs.

"Don't change the subject Tegan, what was it about?" Sara asked, slightly smiling.

"You… moving away," Tegan told her, hoping that the confession would force Sara to drop the conversation.

"I'd say that's about a sibling relationship, right?" Sara asked.

"Well, we are siblings Sara," Tegan reminded her, feeling uncomfortable and wanting to go back to the bus. "I'm done with my tea; I'll get you a to-go cup so we can start walking back."

She shakily got up and walked to the counter, asking the cute dark-haired barista for a to-go cup. She was met with a flirtatious smile.

"I didn't want to say anything, but you're Tegan right? And that's Sara?" the barista asked, gesturing towards Tegan and then at the small figure sitting at the corner table still tracing the black circle.

"I'm Tegan, yes! And that is Sara," She said, smiling at the barista and feeling a sense of calm settle back in her lungs. She could harmlessly chat with this young stranger and thus erase the conversation she and Sara had just awkwardly had. "And you're Clara, I see," she said, gesturing at the nametag on her green apron.

"Indeed," the girl replied, giggling, "I'm really a fan. I bet you guys get asked this all the time but could you, like, sign something?"

"Of course!" Tegan said, pulling out a paper coffee cup holder from the stand in front of the counter. "I'll sign this, and then call Sara over okay?"

She quickly signed her name and then called Sara's name, gesturing at her. Sara glanced up and then smiled, already knowing that Tegan was giving an autograph. They'd gotten bigger over the past few years, and meeting fans was something they had to deal with almost every time they went out these days. Sara, being the undercover lecherous creature that she was, usually didn't mind, since their fan base consisted of cute gay girls who she could easily charm. Tegan watched as she glided over and smiled at the cute barista, taking the pen that was already in her hand and signing next to Tegan's name. She saw that Tegan had cutely written "Clara" at the top, with a smiley face.

"Clara, what a beautiful name," She said, handing the signed holder to the woman.

"Thanks, it was my Mother's name," Clara replied, nervously. The intensity with which Sara often talked to females made them stutter and flounder involuntarily. She had a gaze that was unflinching when it wanted to be, and when combined with Sara's cutesy sing-song voice it was tantalizing.

"I'm sure she was pretty," Sara replied, and Tegan shook her head, recalling a similar conversation between Sara and a fan a few nights ago at a bar.

"She was," Clara replied, blushing. "Oh, and thank you, I think?"

"No, no, I did mean it as a compliment," Sara said, laughing. "What are you doing on Friday night?"

"Uhh, nothing I don't think." Clara replied, and Sara chuckled.

"Don't worry, I'm not asking you out. We have a show and I can get you and a friend on the guest spot, if you'd like."

"Wow, could you? That would be awesome, I know someone I'd like to bring in fact!" Clara exclaimed.

"Oh, it's absolutely no trouble at all, I'll just need you to write down your full name," Sara said, before flipping over the pad in her hand and setting it in front of Clara. She waited as Clara jotted down her name and then handed it back. "Great, we'll look forward to seeing you there. Bye Clara," she said, before winking. Tegan stared in disbelief before waving at Clara and following Sara out the door.

"What the fuck!" she said, grabbing Sara's arm once they were out on the crowded sidewalk. The situation was indeed similar to the other night at the bar. She didn't understand why Sara needed to flirt with fans when she could find plenty of responsible women who were, most importantly, her age.

"What's the matter Tegan?" Sara asked, smiling. "Are you jealous?"

"Um, are you _drunk_?" Tegan quipped back, letting go of Sara's arm as if she'd been burned. "What are you even doing right now?"

Sara hesitated, and then turned to Tegan.

"I'm testing you."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Song credit goes to Bon Jovi's "Shot Through the Heart", also known as Sara's karaoke song.

On the day of their D.C. show, Tegan attempted to avoid Sara as much as possible, while still watching her quietly when she knew she wouldn't get caught. She hadn't bothered to ask Sara what she'd meant by her mysterious comment on their way home from the coffee shop the other day, and actually didn't feel prepared or necessarily want to know the answer.

That evening, they did sound check quietly, and the boys chose to ignore the tension between the sisters, knowing that it wasn't their place to intervene. Anytime anyone tried to come between them, whether the intention was to separate during cohesive times or bring them together during bad, drama ensued. Afterwards, Sara set down her guitar and mumbled something about going backstage for dinner before the show. Tegan had no choice but to follow, sitting on the other side of the room with a small bag of chips and a turkey sandwich. She made conversation with two of her band mates and didn't look at Sara, who kept looking at her.

The show was a clusterfuck of awkward banter and a few mess-ups, all Tegan's fault. She felt erratic and distracted, anxious for the show to be over. She saw the cute barista from the coffee shop in the audience with a friend and noticed Sara tossing her a quick, discreet smile and then glancing out of the corner of her eye at Tegan, checking to see if she'd noticed. Tegan quickly looked away, knowing Sara was still 'testing' her. She didn't quite know what the test was, but had a feeling Sara wanted her to fail.

That night they curled up in their bunks while their bus driver tunneled on to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where their next show would occur in two nights. They planned to stay at a cheap Best Western outside of the city, where the rooms were cheap and affordable. Not to mention they had a shared suite with three separate rooms connected by a common area with a kitchen and a bathroom. Tegan knew she and Sara would be sharing, as they were the only women on the tour and they always shared anyway. She wasn't particularly enthralled at the idea, but at least she'd be able to spend the night in a real bed rather than a bunk. Bunks were hard on the back and, even though it'd only been a few days since the tour started, she was already feeling tired of hers. She drifted off to sleep that night, focusing only on the smell of her detergent on her sheets and not the sound of Sara's heavy breathing below.

They arrived early in the morning with crusty eyes and headaches, due to not getting enough sleep. They blearily rolled out of bed and took turns in the bathroom before making their way across the hotel parking lot into the dodgy Best Western. Nothing surrounded them except for country side, strip malls and bars, and Tegan found it relaxing after spending so long in various cities. After getting their hotel key, each of them chose to go to their respective rooms and sleep some more. Thankfully there were two beds in each room, and she and Sara didn't have to share a tiny cramped twin bed. Tegan crashed without a word as Sara took a shower.

They awoke at least five hours later, well into the afternoon. The boys had decided to stay at the hotel playing cards, while Sara managed to convince Tegan to go to a bar that she'd yelped. Tegan begrudgingly accepted the invitation, though she partially wanted to just watch Netflix. Sara was acting strange again, and took almost an hour to get ready.

A collective gasp was emitted from all band members (Tegan included) as Sara exited the bathroom, a cloud of steam following. She was dressed in the tightest leather pants Tegan had ever seen, and a black shirt that was low cut enough to reveal the top of her cleavage with a leather jacket on top. Suddenly, Tegan was reminded of the morning before the tour when she'd seen Sara naked by accident, and quickly shook her head to erase it. _Sara's so scantily dressed, it's not your fault,_ she told herself. Sara smirked at their expressions and continued towards the bunk area, grabbing her bag and slipping her phone and wallet inside.

"Girls just wanna have fun," she said wryly, and then smiled at Tegan who quickly closed her mouth and forced herself to smile back. "Well, are you ready?"

"Yeah, yeah," Tegan replied, getting up and grabbing her bag as well.

"Call us if you want us to come pick you up later, okay?" Ted offered, concern visibly written on his features.

"Of course," Sara replied, and then grabbed Tegan's hand and dragged her towards the door. "We'll be in touch, I'll try to keep Tegan from getting too crazy! See you guys later."

The walk to the bar was short, ten minutes at most. Tegan tried not to feel too anxious at the truck drivers turning their heads as they drove past, giving Sara the eye, but she glared at each one protectively. Sara didn't really notice, she was too busy looking in the other direction, at the land that stretched into eternity set against the backdrop of the sinking sun.

Tegan wondered why Sara had chosen to dress this way, when the bar's clientele would most likely consist of sleazy men avoiding their wives after a long day at the factories. She found herself wishing that she'd bought some pepper spray for the occasion, just in case things got out of hand. Both of them were tiny, and she felt a little worried that the only thing they had to fall back on was their previous karate training from their teen years.

The front of the bar was tattered and worn down, a sign partially disconnected and hanging over the front awning.

"How many stars did this get on yelp, Sara?" Tegan asked, a nervous edge to her voice.

"Like three. Relax! It's a dive bar. This'll be so much fun, we haven't gone to one of these since we first started out playing shows," Sara reassured her, grabbing the rickety front door and holding it open for Tegan, who glared at her as she walked past. The bad rock music was turned up extremely loud, blaring from the speakers. Tegan nervously hugged herself. At least there were a lot of people, and it was fairly early so it would likely get more crowded as the evening went on.

Sara headed straight for the bar, ordering two Rum & Cokes. Tegan gawked. She'd anticipated having a few beers and then heading back for the night, but Sara apparently wasn't out of her latest heavy drinking phase. The bartender quickly whipped up the drinks, obviously excited that two attractive females were there versus his usual grease ball customers.

Sara immediately took a rather large sip, then raised her glass at Tegan and grinned. Tegan followed suit, though her sip was significantly smaller. She scrunched up her face at the bitter, cheap alcohol used in the drink. Sara laughed uproariously, seemingly delighted at the expression.

"The quicker you drink the more you'll get used to it," Sara informed Tegan, still laughing.. She took another long and substantial sip before looking around the room. "Oh, a juke box! I'll be right back. Keep drinking."

Tegan nervously took another sip, looking at the men around the room. At least half of their eyes went to Sara's ass as she got up, which was particularly accentuated in her leather pants. Tegan wanted to get up and punch them all, but instead she took yet another chug of her drink. She looked over at Sara, who was looking through the juke box and also sipping her drink, which she'd brought with her. Tegan knew the two of them would not be going home sober tonight, but at least Ted had offered to pick them up if they got too drunk. She watched Sara's face crinkle into a grin as she put two quarters into the machine before clicking a button and sauntering back to Tegan, who tried to ignore the blatant way her hips swung back and forth. Sara chugged the rest of her drink and Tegan followed suit, watching as her sister already signaled the bartender for two more, with a little extra alcohol in each. Tegan shook her head but didn't argue, the alcohol actually felt good running through her stressed body. Once again, the bartender willingly whipped up two more and set them in front of the women, grinning. Sara drank the second one quicker than the first as the current song ended.

"Next it's gonna be Bon Jovi!" Sara exclaimed before chugging the rest of her drink, and Tegan gleefully giggled as her free hand was grabbed and she was yanked on the dance floor.

Her excitement quickly turned into anxiety as Sara's hands found their way around her hips, tugging them forward towards her own. They swayed together as Sara sang breathily in Tegan's neck.

"_Shot through the heart, and you're to blame_," Sara sang, before trailing her mouth closer to Tegan's ear, "_Darling you give love a bad name_."

Tegan shivered as Sara continued to move against her. "…what are you doing?" she asked, her chin resting on Sara's shoulder. Sara ignored her but grinded harder as she continued to sing.

"_Chains of love got a hold on me, when passions a prison, you can't break free_," she sang as she held onto the lapel of Tegan's jacket to prevent her from running away.

"…Sara…" Tegan tried again.

"_Oh, there's nowhere to run. No one can save me, the damage is done," _Sara sang as she grabbed Tegan's hand and spun her around quickly, before bringing her back into their former position, with Sara's lips pushed against Tegan's ear. "_Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. You give love a bad name_."

Tegan half-heartedly tried to pull away, knowing that all the men in the bar were likely watching them at this point, but Sara retaliated by holding her closer than before. They weren't dancing in a sisterly way, not in any sense of the word, and it was all a bit too much for Tegan. She grabbed onto Sara's shoulder to prevent herself from fainting.

"It's okay Tegan, nobody knows us here, nobody has to know. Nobody has to know how much… how I'm… " Sara whispered hotly in Tegan's ear, the drunkenness in her voice now becoming apparent.

Before Tegan knew it, Sara had pulled away and was headed straight for the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Cheers from all the men in the bar erupted, and Tegan got her balance before giving them her middle finger. She set her drink on the bar and followed Sara,, putting her ear flush up against the door to determine whether Sara was sick or crying. She found the answer to be the latter, as she listened to heavy sobs that were loud enough to be heard over the music.

"Seriously Sara? 'No one has to know?' Fucking loser," Tegan heard Sara berate herself and then kick a stall door open.

Not willing to waste any more time, especially since Sara had seemingly entered into an angry and potentially dangerous state, Tegan tried the door knob. Thankfully the lock was completely broken, so the door opened without a hitch. Tegan was met with a sight Sara usually never allowed anyone to see. There on the floor was Sara's tiny body, crumbled in the corner, as she held her head in her two hands.

"Sara?" she asked, as she closed the door again and cautiously inched forwards towards her sobbing sister.

"No, don't. Go away." Sara's voice was audibly shaking. "I keep saying things to you I shouldn't say."

"Why? Why do you do that?" Tegan gently asked, sitting down next to her on the damp floor. Sara had to know she couldn't leave. Even though Tegan felt a sense of anger at Sara for fucking with her like this, she couldn't and wouldn't leave.

"I-I don't know. I just want you to see…" Sara started, twirling her shoe lace around her index finger. "I wanted you to see me as someone else." Tears were dripping from her eyes and onto her chest.

"I love you Sara, I'd never want you to be anyone else."

Suddenly, Sara jerked her head up and looked into Tegan's eyes. It was an intense gaze, one of those that are impossible to break away from even if the recipient doesn't want to participate. Tegan felt trapped in it, in the way that Sara's eyes looked like shattered hazel glass framed by clumped eyelashes and smeared mascara. She found herself reaching forward and wiping the tears from Sara's cheek, anything to repair the brokenness that her sister, her twin, her best friend, felt.

"Don't do that," Sara whispered, maintaining eye contact.

"Why?"

"Because I fucking hate it when you touch me," Sara replied, but gently and with no malice in her words. She didn't pull or look away. The air felt heavier.

"Why?"

"It's hard to explain. I'm going to go have another drink, my high is fading," Sara said, looking away from Tegan and hoisting herself up from the floor.

"No, tell me what you mean."

Tegan reached up and grabbed Sara's hand, using it to pull herself up as well and accidentally pulling Sara towards her in the process. They were standing uncomfortably close, and once again found themselves in an intense eye contact. They held it for a moment before Sara moved forward slightly, her lips hovering close to Tegan's, their hearts in their throats.

"What are we doing?" Tegan whispered, her breath ticking Sara's lips.

Sara didn't answer, but leaned forward yet another half of an inch, looking back and forth between Tegan's eyes. She moved her lips over Tegan's but then shifted suddenly, kissing her cheek.

"C'mon Tegan," she whispered sweetly, "you have to know by now."

Tegan did know, but she didn't want to admit it to herself. She knew that Sara was in love with her now, and the game, the test, would be over when she got Tegan to love her back. She shuddered.

"Do you still want to go get another drink?"

"No, I feel drunk again," Sara replied, still whispering with her lips on Tegan's cheek.

Sara moved back again so they were looking each other in the eye.

"Can I kiss you? Just this once, just to see what it would feel like?" she asked, and Tegan's heart momentarily stopped before skidding back to life again.

"Why would you want to do that?" she replied, gasping for air in between the words.

"So I can stop wondering."

Tegan found herself nodding, as though she were no longer in control of her own movements. Sara smiled slightly and leaned forward, allowing her lips to hover over Tegan's again; this time they were slightly touching. Tegan, still without control, closed the distance and smashed her lips against Sara's. Game over.

They froze for a few moments, before Sara started moving her lips. Tegan felt the magnetic pull between them stronger than ever before. The kiss felt completely foreign to her, and yet familiar at the same time, like she'd felt in a dream she'd forgotten she'd had. Sara gently licked Tegan's bottom lip, and Tegan felt warmth between her thighs and she allowed her lips to fall open. Their tongues moved and twisted together, slowly and then faster. Sara moaned slightly and Tegan jerked away, panicking at how far this could potentially go.

Sara grabbed her wrist, preventing her from leaving, and leaned forward. She licked up Tegan's neck, stopping at her ear, and then sucking on her lobe. The heat between Tegan's legs intensified, and she rubbed them together to ease some of the pressure. Sara, who never missed anything, lifted her thigh and forced Tegan's legs apart, rubbing her leg against Tegan's pussy.

"Shh, it's okay," she whispered in Tegan's ear, even though Tegan hadn't said anything. The heat from her breath was so hot in her already stimulated ear, and Tegan found herself letting out a whimper. "You like that?" Sara asked, rubbing harder on Tegan's crotch, and Tegan nodded, whimpering again.

Tegan was past the point of caring when Sara's lips made their way back to her own. She was so unbelievably turned on and nothing could bring her back now. They kissed intensely, lips moving fervently and tongues sliding against each other. Sara grabbed the back of Tegan's head, twirling her finger around the hair there and Tegan responded by draping her arms over Sara's back.

Suddenly the door opened, and a bar patron stumbled in drunkenly. Neither Sara nor Tegan were prepared for the interruption, and grasped each other tighter.

"Holy shit," he said, drunkenly at the two women entangled in each other's arms. "Uh… I'll go."

He quickly shuffled out and Sara broke out in a raucous laugh.

"We just made out in a dive bar bathroom," she informed Tegan, still laughing, and Tegan found herself laughing too despite how insanely fucked up she felt inside. Her voice didn't feel or sound right in her throat anymore.

"Shall we go back to the hotel then?" Sara asked, smiling. Her eyes no longer looked broken, and Tegan wondered whether she should feel relieved or worried.

Tegan nodded. Sara told her not to call Ted, and that they'd make the trek back to the hotel themselves. She used the excuse that Ted may be asleep and they didn't want to wake up, but Tegan knew that Sara just wanted them to find their way to their room without any interruptions.


	8. Chapter 8

They rushed back to the hotel, pushing through the now crowded bar, ignoring the drunken men awaiting more erotic dancing. _Sick fucks,_ _getting off on two sisters, _Tegan thought, and then mentally scolded herself since Sara was apparently one of them. Once outside, the air felt much warmer than before, though Tegan knew this could be attributed to their kissing in the bathroom rather than the actual temperature. She felt feverish and admittedly turned on, still shaking off the lingering feeling of Sara's leg between hers. She couldn't believe she was allowing any of this. She had never thought of Sara like this, at least not in any tangible, conscious way. But the familiarity of her sister's lips on her own suggested that perhaps the idea had visited her in a dream once or twice, and then was forgotten, only to be dredged up again with the revelation of Sara's secret feelings.

She jumped at the sudden grasp of Sara's fingers on her own and felt guilty briefly for being so quiet. Knowing Sara and her sometimes neurotic tendencies, she was internally kicking herself and second guessing everything that had just happened between them, everything that she had initiated. It was Tegan's natural inclination to always comfort Sara, to always be there for her... but then again, Tegan didn't want to fully commit to anything here, things were already moving so quickly between them. She briefly grappled with her emotions before giving Sara's fingers a couple firm squeezes. Sara squeezed back, then followed up by gently running her fingers up and down Tegan's. The innocence of their fingers playing gently with one another was broken by Tegan's panicked thoughts, brought on by the crisp air that was growing colder by the minute. They were going back to the hotel to have sex, and that thought alone was enough to send Tegan's feet skidding to a halt, causing Sara's to do the same. She looked shocked and worried, glancing down at their linked hands and then back up into Tegan's eyes.

"What's wrong, Tegan?" She asked wearily, treading carefully in case her sister was upset.

"I just need to know why..." Tegan started, glancing out at the almost empty, dark highway and the rolling hills beyond it. "Why are you doing this?"

"Oh we're going to pretend this is all me then?" Sara shot back, her voice eerily quiet yet still panicked.

"What do you mean? You're the one that-" Tegan started.

"Did you like my body, Tegan?" Sara asked, and it seemed so out of left field that Tegan found herself blinking in disbelief. When no response was received, Sara continued. "I know you saw me changing before we left for the tour. But you didn't turn around and walk away, did you? No, you stayed and took a long look. You checked me out, didn't you? So I'm just wondering if you liked what you saw."

_Check fucking mate, Sara_, Tegan thought bitterly. Now that she thought about it, Sara had really started acting strange after that morning. Sure, they had cuddled on the couch the night before, but that could be blamed on the alcohol Sara had consumed and her need for comfort after her breakup. The real mind games seemed to start after Tegan accidentally walked in on her naked. Sara must have heard her faint footsteps walking into the room, freezing for a few moments, and then walking away, even though she had tried to be quiet. Her heart jumped to her throat as she then came to the shocking realization that Sara had likely been naked on purpose, knowing that Tegan would come back with her coffee a few moments later and see.

Their eye contact was intense, so intense that Tegan began to feel uncomfortable and had to look away, blinking back tears. She did like Sara's body, the image of her back dimples had been stitched into her memory, but she hadn't thought of them as anything she'd like to touch, to see up close during heated intimate moments. It had been a curiosity until Sara forced these fucking thoughts into her head and made her wet from just a kiss in a seedy bathroom.

Sara had begun to feel bad apparently, swooping in and wrapping her arms around Tegan gently, who shuddered at their closeness. It seemed their entire relationship had shifted now. Every hug they'd share from this moment forward would be forever tainted by that kiss, and possibly more if this went any further. But she couldn't deny that the feeling of Sara's arms around her shoulders eased some of her anxiety, they'd always had a calming effect on one another and not even the new tension in their relationship could change that. The cold air whipped around them, twirling their hair strands together as Sara whispered along with it.

"Now you know how I feel, Tegan. How I've always felt. Now I've made you see. We could be so much more."

It was out of character for Sara to be this open; Tegan knew she must be feeling desperate. While Tegan was trying to salvage their sisterly relationship, Sara was trying to push them into the next realm. But if she failed, they both knew they'd be left with close to nothing.

"You're the only one I've ever loved, the only one I've ever wanted to wake up next to in the morning," Sara continued, and Tegan shuddered. All those failed relationships were because of her. She might as well have broken up with Stacy herself and pulled the trigger on the relationship. And Emy, her friend and coworker... she shook her head. She was the reason for all of that, and most of all she was the reason Sara was unhappy. It wasn't fair to beat herself up over this, Tegan knew that it wasn't entirely her fault, but she still felt sick from the knowledge that she had made Sara so sad. Without thinking, she pulled away from Sara and grabbed her hand again, gently yanking her in the direction of the hotel, which was within view. She didn't know what she was doing, didn't know what they'd do when they arrived, she just wanted to make her Sasa better.

"We can talk about it some more if you'd like," Sara offered quietly. "I'd rather not push you into something you're not ready for yet. I-I love you Tee."

Tegan shushed her, smiling gently in her direction as they neared the entrance of the Best Western. She pulled the keycard out of her bag and nodded to the overnight desk staff, looking ragged from lack of sleep. Sara still clung to her like an overly attached child, letting Tegan guide them until they were finally at the entrance of their room. As they stepped inside, the air felt thick with Sara's illicit feelings, and the bed loomed in the darkness like the endgame that it truly was. Sara seemed to sense Tegan's trepidation, clearing her throat to goad her into some sort of action so they could stop standing awkwardly in the doorway. Tegan jolted forward, pulling Sara in with her before shutting the door behind them. It felt like time was moving in slow motion as Sara broke away and began to yank her jacket off her shoulders, tossing it on the arm chair beside the bed. Tegan found herself awkwardly looking away as the sleeve of Sara's lowcut shirt dipped down, revealing skin that looked completely different under these new circumstances. Sara of course noticed, muttering something about going in the bathroom to take a shower and then pushing past Tegan, only stopping to grab some sweatpants and a t-shirt from her bag. The bathroom door closed, but Sara didn't lock it, perhaps her one last attempt at tempting Tegan into the fucked up affair that she was proposing.

Tegan sat down on the bed and allowed her head to crash into her hands, rubbing it and perhaps trying to drag out some idea regarding what to do in a situation like this. She'd never felt so conflicted. Kissing Sara had been so completely unexpected and yet she knew she liked it. She couldn't deny that she liked it. And she knew Sara knew she did. She'd known as soon as Tegan's legs lustfully opened, allowing her own to come in between them and increase the growing heat that had culminated. She was probably reflecting on it now in the shower, knowing that in some way, she'd gotten Tegan to fail the test.

Tegan shook her head against her hands, feeling ashamed that Sara had only been chipping away at her like this for a few days and they'd already fallen this deep into some sort of weird abyss that she could hardly understand. She'd never been particularly good at resisting people, she was almost the definition of a people pleaser, but this was so unhealthy that she felt disappointed in herself for allowing it to go this far. And she felt even more disappointed that, in some way, she was leading her sister on. She'd allowed Sara to kiss her, initiated it even, and then she'd held Sara's hand on the way home from the bar. And now she was sitting on a hotel bed, while her sister was likely still hopeful that she'd join her in the shower, or at least acknowledge that their relationship was shifting. She shook her head and slowly got up, knowing that she had to do something. She had to go in there and comfort her sister.

She knocked on the bathroom door lightly with her knuckles, expecting to enter and then hoist herself up on the counter while she attempted to have a conversation with Sara. What she didn't expect, however, was Sara opening the door naked, water dripping from her hair, onto her breasts, between her thighs and then onto the linoleum floor below. "Hey Tee," Sara said lowly, smirking slightly. Tegan felt locked into place, unable to breath as their eye contact held for a few moments.

"What are you doing, Sara?" she asked, a hoarseness to her voice that she barely recognized.

"Oh, I thought…" Sara started, reaching for a towel and dropping her gaze to the ground.

"I don't know what the fuck this is," Tegan told her, panic dripping from each word, each syllable. "I never knew that you felt this way, Sar. You're always so good at hiding your feelings, that I never knew you had any for me."

Sara chuckled lightly, sadly. "Every move I've ever made towards you has been calculated, Tegan. You didn't know because I didn't _want_ you to know. I don't even want you to know now," she paused and shook her head, still staring at the checkered floor "but I thought I had a chance."

The sad confession jolted Tegan forward, caused her to lift one hand up towards Sara's face so they could lock eyes. She didn't know what to say, but she wanted Sara to see that no matter what, she still loved her and she always would. "It's my job to…" she began, and then shook her head and started again. "I'll always want to make you happy, Sara."

"Then don't act like this didn't happen, please. Even if nothing else happens between us ever again, don't act like this didn't happen," Sara requested, tears misting her hazel eyes.

"Wouldn't it be easier to pretend like everything's normal?" Tegan asked, confused.

"No. I want you to have this part of me. I want you to always know that someone loves you more than anyone else ever could."

Tegan began to cry as well, knowing that the part she had of Sara's was her heart, and that Sara had a heart of gold and deserved so much more. She deserved someone who wasn't taken, who wasn't related to her, someone who could reciprocate in a more tangible way. She reached forward and yanked Sara's shoulders into her own, accidentally causing the towel to drop in the process. She held Sara's small body against her, both of them shaking from their sobs. Her own clothes were now becoming soaked, and there was a chill to the air, so she pulled Sara' gently towards the bed, wrapping her arms around her sister and fusing them together underneath the covers.


	9. Chapter 9

Somewhere in between crying and whispering soothing words into Sara's ear, Tegan had fallen asleep, holding Sara's naked body against her own like fragile china that could shatter with one false move. When she awoke four hours later, her face felt crusty and stiff from the crying that had consumed both her and Sara, causing them to end up seared together like this, holding each other for comfort like they always did, both figuratively and, in this case, literally. Sara's body was still pushed tightly against her own, skin smelling like lavender from the hotel soap, which likely hadn't fully washed off in her haste to answer the door to a waiting Tegan.

Tegan leaned over her sister's body, hair brushing against her cheek as she checked to see if Sara had fallen asleep as well. She was surprised to find Sara's eyes wide open, shattered hazel staring out of the window and into the early morning dawn, the light casting a pale glow on her cheeks and emphasizing her dried tear tracks. Her eyes closed when she felt Tegan's on her, attempting to feign sleep, likely trying to put off the pending rejection that would possibly become more cemented with the birth of a new day. Tegan felt her heart constrict at the thought of Sara lying awake all night, reflecting on her actions from the night before, drowning in regret and self-loathing. "I love you, Sara," Tegan whispered into her ear, trying to tempt Sara's eyes back open. But they remained tightly squeezed shut, her forehead creased in concentration as she listened to Tegan. "I love you so much," Tegan tried again, feeling tears spring to her eyes. She wanted to be strong for the both of them, but seeing Sara struggle like this was not something she knew how to handle. She leaned down and placed a gentle kiss against Sara's ear, lips landing softly against cartilage which earned a shiver from her sister. Tegan briefly wondered if, through trying to comfort Sara, she was making things worse. Should she nip the affection and try to act as cordial as possible? Then she realized that, even if she wanted to, she would never be able to be anything less than loving towards Sara when she was hurting. And, if she were being totally honest, she'd never seen Sara grapple with such a loss of control. Normally, she was able to handle anything, knew how to deal with any situation. She was so fucking intelligent that she hardly ever faltered. But this, this had Sara completely lost, and Tegan right there with her. They were swimming out at sea, holding onto each other for life support, and Tegan knew now that Sara needed her more than ever. And, she was able to admit that she needed Sara as well. She pulled her closer, wrapping her arms around her tightly and kissed her hair, now slightly curled from being air dried.

They lay still for a few moments, listening to the early bird chirps lamenting along with them, singing the blues like some sort of soundtrack to their sorrows. Suddenly, Sara yanked her body forward, feet landing with a thud as she stood up abruptly.

"I'm not a fucking charity case," she said, voice sounding especially harsh against the backdrop of mostly silence that had consumed them for the past few hours. She hastily picked out an outfit for the day, as Tegan stared after her in silence and shock, accidentally allowing herself to take in Sara's naked curves once more without thinking while Sara leaned over and reached into her suitcase for the toiletry bag. She was emotionally jarred from the interruption of such a tender moment between them, but she knew Sara well enough to understand that this was her sister shutting down, shutting herself off from hurt. She was trying to cope with the fact that she'd said and revealed too much. She was pushing Tegan away.

It felt like déjà vu from last night as Sara rushed into the bathroom again, but this time she locked the door behind her, the click ringing in Tegan's ear. She turned back towards the window that Sara had been staring out of roughly ten minutes ago, the sun now rising in the sky and hiding away the dawn. The bed felt empty now, cold and lonely. She wanted to go after Sara, wanted to say something to repair the situation, but she knew that doing so would take more than a few words and she wouldn't know where to start.

The knock on their door jolted Tegan up from bed, smoothing down her hair and rushing forth to answer it. She was met with Ted, who looked so well put together compared to how she felt, and surely appeared. He looked Tegan up and down. "Why are you in the same clothes as last night?"

She scrambled for an excuse, anything that sounded plausible. "I got too drunk and forgot to change into my pajamas," she replied, grinning and putting on her usual front that could likely fool anyone if done well enough. That was one thing she and Sara had in common, she supposed. The ability to completely hide any sort of turmoil or feelings, even if it was eating away at them.

"Oh, nice going. We're heading out soon, so tell Sara," he informed her, before waving goodbye and wandering back towards his own room.

Tegan chose to put off bothering Sara, instead going to her suitcase and methodically picking out a shirt and pants for the day. She did so with more care than usual, knowing that she always felt better on the inside if she was confident about the exterior. After laying each article on the bed, she begrudgingly headed towards the bathroom door, cautiously lifting her hand and knocking. "What?" came Sara's muffled response, voice hoarse from more crying, Tegan assumed.

"We're going to be leaving soon, can I take a shower?" Tegan asked, sheepishly, kindly. She knew that harsh words would cause Sara to react like a frightened animal, and she didn't want to create any more distance between them.

"Oh, hang on," Sara replied, and Tegan heard the sound of her sniffling and then hastily gathering her belongings, before yanking the door open, the lock clicking out of place. The sight that met Tegan's eyes was one that caused her knees to grow weak, and she had to place one hand against the wall to steady herself. Sara looked beautiful. She looked so beautiful compared to what Tegan had expected. She'd expected a haphazard appearance, thrown together carelessly, but Sara had taken the time to do her makeup, and had also put on a silky button up shirt and black slacks. Tegan could feel herself staring but trying not to stare, conflicted and frozen as Sara stared back, recognition of some sort registering in her eyes. But then she blinked back her emotions and pushed past her sister, hastily zipping up her suitcase after throwing her toiletry bag back in. Tegan knew what Sara was doing, she'd seen it before with various other partners and situations. She was trying to move on from the mess that last night had created, shoving it aside like a bad dream and starting fresh. But Tegan wasn't sure if she could do that. She didn't have the same determination and resolve that Sara did when it came to things like this. She often let problems fester and tear away at her, whereas Sara was able to put on a brave face and act like everything was fine. Tegan knew that under the surface her sister was likely crumbling, but nobody besides them would be able to tell, and their new secret would likely remain a secret. She finally moved forward into the bathroom, closing the door lightly and starting the shower, hoping that perhaps she could wash away some of her angst as well.

By the time she got out, got dressed and made her way into the bedroom Sara and her suitcase were gone. She must have gone to the tour bus, Tegan assumed, and she quickly gathered her things so she could follow. Upon reaching the hotel lobby, she was told that her sister had already checked out for the group. The harsh sunlight had reached its maximum limit, beating down on Tegan as she pushed through the front doors, dropping her sunglasses down over her eyes and seeing the band stand in a circle by the tour bus, waiting for her. Sara was on the opposite of the parking lot, talking animatedly into the phone with her back turned towards the group. The tension in her shoulders suggested that the person on the other line wasn't just a friend or their mother, calling to play catch up.

"Who's she talking to?" Tegan asked as she walked up to the rest of the group, gesturing towards Sara.

"Stacy," came the mumbled reply from John.

"Oh. But they broke up," she said faintly. Sara wasn't the type to go crawling back to someone once the relationship was over. She and Emy had gotten back together after a few of of their breakups, but in those cases Emy had done more of the pursuing and groveling than Sara. Perhaps Stacy had called her. That had to be it.

The band members stood with Tegan for ten more minutes while Sara continued her phone conversation with her former partner. Tegan could hear her laugh occasionally over the cars zooming by; the rest of the conversation was entirely drowned out. Whatever was taking place sounded like two people making amends, and Tegan scratched the back of her head as she wondered what the fuck Sara was up to now. Finally, after a few more moments of Sara softly speaking to Stacy, she removed the phone from her ear, shoved it in her back pocket, and wandered over to the group. She didn't look like the broken down Sara that Tegan had spent last night with. There was a new burning determination in her eyes, one that caused Tegan to stare down at her own shoes in case their eyes accidentally locked.

"How's Stacy?" Ted cautiously asked Sara, still feeling burned from the harsh end to their conversation from the other night about the same woman in question.

"Fine, I'm working on getting her back," Sara said, smirking and then glancing towards Tegan, who of course jerked her head up at the statement.

Ted naively congratulated her, having no idea of the new events that had transpired between the sisters over the past twenty four hours, and the band followed Tegan and Sara onto the bus, as they traveled forth towards their new destination.


End file.
